Communication
Communicate effectively by considering:
what you say, how you say it, and how you act while you say it.
Humans communicate with our words, tone of voice or how we say those words, and facial expression + body language. We call these forms of communication, respectively: verbal, paraverbal, and nonverbal (3). Our message is clearest when all three forms of communication match each other and our intended meaning. For example, saying “I love your drawing” with a flat voice, crossed arms, and a deep frown sends a very different message from an enthusiastic, “I love your drawing!” with a smile and a hug. Clear communication is a key ingredient in happy and healthy family thriving.
Click here for specific strategies on Talking with Children about COVID-19.
Effective Verbal Communication
When we think about communication, we often focus on language or the words we use. This is called verbal communication.
Choose your words. What we say to children is most meaningful to them when it’s concrete and related to something they’ve already experienced. Choose clear, simple language that children can understand, especially when introducing new vocabulary or concepts. One way to remember this is with the mantra: don’t just use your words, choose your words!
When giving directions, use examples and explain the logic behind your decisions to help children understand why. Use straightforward language that children can understand so that your instructions are clear. For example,
instead of saying “Be careful!” you might say, “Hold my hand for safety while we cross the street.”
instead of saying “Clean up time!” you might say, “Playtime is over. Put all of your toys in the bin.”
instead of using catchphrases like “Crisscross applesauce” or “Catch a bubble!” try being direct: “When the timer beeps, you need to stop what you’re doing and look at me so we can talk about [short description of next activity].” (1)
Talking with children is also a wonderful opportunity to build their language skills and nurture strong relationships (2). Use a variety of words and sentence structures when talking about what you’re seeing and doing with children. For example, introduce nuanced feeling words while reading a story. A character who is very sad might be “miserable” or someone who is very happy might be “joyful.”
Effective Paraverbal and Nonverbal Communication
“It’s not what you say. It’s how you say it.” Paraverbal communication—for example, speed, volume, and tone of voice—sends our message as clearly as the words we use. First, imagine someone saying, “Thanks a lot!” to a child who has just presented a handmade gift. Now imagine those same words said sarcastically, “Thanks a lot” to a child who has just spilled milk all over a work computer. By changing the tone and tempo of our speech, the same words can carry very different meaning and cause a very different emotional reaction in little listeners.
“Actions speak louder than words.” This adage refers to the importance of nonverbal communication, or body language. Nonverbal communication—for example, facial expression, posture, gestures, physical distance from other people—is automatic and often unconscious. Young children are highly attuned to nonverbal communication. This is one reason it’s important to pay attention to our emotions and take care of ourselves, especially during times of high stress.
Communicate love and respect. Use facial expression, body language, and tone of voice to send the message that you love and respect your children.
There are many ways that nonverbal and paraverbal communication can be used to convey a message of love and respect. Some examples include:
Match your tone to the situation. For instance, if you are playing outside you will likely speak more loudly and energetically than during bath time.
Move close to children when speaking with them. If they are on the floor, sit or kneel beside them. If kneeling is uncomfortable for you, try bending over or grabbing a nearby chair.
Speak softly and gently when children are upset. Use your calm tone to help them feel calm.
Use the KIDS strategy (under Directions & Routines) when providing behavioral feedback.
Listen. Some ways to show children that you see and hear them are to restate what they’ve said (paraphrase), describe their artwork or other creations, ask questions, and offer language to help children express themselves more fully.
Simply listening to children provides meaningful opportunities for them to communicate their ideas and feelings. This is important for language and cognitive development (2). Here are some examples of questions you might ask to show that you are listening while encouraging children to expand their communication skills:
“Your voice sounds really mad right now. Was it frustrating when you were trying to cut the paper and it ripped?”
“I heard you say you built a castle. Can you tell me about this tall tower?”
“Thank you for showing me this beautiful drawing! Can you describe what you drew?” After giving your child time to answer, you could follow-up with, “What is all of this blue over here? How is it different from the yellow part over there?”
Listening is also a wonderful way to strengthen relationships with children. Show genuine interest in what they have to say, even if their words are not always clear. Use verbal and nonverbal cues to let children know you’re listening. For example,
Eye contact
Nodding
Matching your facial expression with your child’s emotion
Tilting your head and furrowing your eyebrows in deep concentration
Paraphrasing
Be a role model. Model positive communication for your children through word choice, body language, facial expression, and tone of voice. Notice how you interact with and speak to adults and children in your family. Do you use kind words? What are you saying with your body language and tone of voice? Are you modeling ways of communicating that you want your children to emulate?
One easy and effective way to teach social and emotional skills is by modeling these skills yourself. You can even try “thinking aloud” as you do something to help children understand your motivation. For example,
If you are folding the laundry you might say, “I know mommy feels sad when her shirts get all wrinkly from sitting in this basket, so I’m going to fold the laundry right away! Would you like to help?”
If you are cooking dinner you might comment, “You told me you don’t really like tomato sauce. So, I’m making lasagna for me and daddy but leaving some noodles plain for you. That way we can all enjoy our dinner!”
Provide concrete positive reinforcement immediately by praising children when they behave in these ways as well. Be specific in your praise so children know exactly what they did well. For more on this, visit our section on Enjoyment and scroll down to Focus on children’s positive behaviors and provide lots of positive reinforcement.
References
1. Atlanta Speech School. (2017, August 24). The promise to Georgia’s children – Rollins Center for Language & Literacy [Video]. YouTube.
2. Christakis, E. (2016). The importance of being little: What preschoolers really need from grownups. New York, NY: Viking.
3. Corrington, A.R., Hebl, M., & Tsang, J. (2018). Behavioral Indicators of Discrimination in Social Interactions. In H. Giles & J. Harwood (Eds.), The Oxford encyclopedia of intergroup communication. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.