Directions & Routines

Give clear directions and establish predictable routines.

Directions are the words we use to describe rules. Directions are easiest for young children to understand and follow when they are concrete (specific enough), clear (what to do, instead of what not to do), and consistent (enforced in all situations and with all children).

Routines are everyday rules for how we manage certain tasks and activities, including transitions between activities (e.g., the bedtime routine between dinner and falling asleep). Schedules are distinct from routines. Schedules may change but routines are stable. For example, on weeknights you might start your child’s bedtime routine at 7:00, but on weekends you might wait until 7:30. The timing (schedule) changes but the routine (brush teeth, read a story, say good night) stays the same.

Clear and consistent directions and routines help children feel confident and empowered to complete tasks and activities independently. They can also support children’s development of self-regulation skills such as managing their own attention, behaviors, and emotions (1,6). As children learn to self-regulate, they need fewer reminders from adults…leading to a harmonious home! But this doesn’t happen overnight. Behavior that ebbs and flows is a normal part of child development, so try not to worry if children follow directions really well one day and not so well the next.

Giving Directions

Connect before you correct. Children typically exhibit challenging behavior because they are experiencing big feelings, have an unmet want or need, or find themselves in a confusing or challenging situation. To help children regulate their behavior and emotions in these situations, connect how they are acting to how they are feeling.

This makes it clear to children that you are a source of comfort and trust, which gives them a sense of safety and security. When children feel comforted, secure, and trust that their needs will be met, they can more easily calm down and follow directions or switch to a new activity. For example, if a child is kicking a chair we might say, “I see you’re kicking your chair, that tells me you’re feeling really mad. I also see that you’re looking out the window. Are you feeling frustrated because you want to go outside and play with your friends?” 

Set and enforce clear rules. Frame rules positively to describe what children should do, instead of what they should not do. When children follow the rules, remember to give lots of positive reinforcement! For more on this, visit our section on Enjoyment and scroll down to Focus on children’s positive behaviors and provide lots of positive reinforcement.

It’s easier for children to follow rules when those rules are clear (2). When children break the rules, they need help from adults to understand why the boundary is there and what they should have done. Instead of saying “No” or “Stop,” it can help promote positive behaviors (now and in the future) if you provide an explanation. You can even try skipping the “No” and simply explain the desired behavior (scroll down to read about Why no doesn’t always work). For example,

• Instead of “Don’t throw your tissue on the floor!” you can say, “Please put your tissue in that waste basket.”

• For older children, you might add that this is important because it prevents the spread of germs and helps keep everyone healthy: “Please put your tissue in that waste basket. When you use a tissue, it can get germs on it. You’re helping keep everyone healthy when you throw it away in the trash can.”

• Instead of “No shouting!” you can say, “Your sister is napping right now. Please whisper instead of shouting.” (You can even say this in a whisper to model for your child what whispering sounds like.)

• Instead of “Stop running in the house” you can say, “I can tell it’s really hard to sit still right now, but it isn’t safe to run indoors. What’s something fun and safe you can do to let some energy out?” or “I can tell it’s really hard to sit still right now. Would you like to stand while you work on this, instead of sitting in a chair?”

Why No Doesn’t Always Work

Young children are still in the process of learning safe and socially acceptable behaviors. Saying “No” tells children what not to do, but provides no information about the desired behavior. Without an alternative, children may continue to perform the prohibited behavior even though they “know better,” testing the limits of our patience. Positively framed directions, on the other hand, make it clear to children what they should do instead. For example, if a child is waving a fork like a weapon, instead of saying, “Don’t swing your fork like a sword!” you can say, “If your fork pokes someone it could hurt them. Show me how nicely you can use your fork for eating.”

Whenever possible, providing options can further empower children to enact positive behaviors by giving them a sense of control [for more, visit our section on Brain-building and scroll down to Give choices] (3,4). For example, “You’re using your fork just like a knight uses a sword. If your fork pokes someone, it could hurt them. Show me how nicely you can use your fork for eating. After dinner, would you like to do a knight puzzle, play with your knight toys, or I can read you your favorite book about knights?”

When a “No” is needed (e.g., for safety), supplement it with an explanation. For example, “Using your fork like a sword isn’t safe because…”. This will help children understand the rationale behind your “No”, and to think about the ways in which their actions affect others.

Keep rules as consistent as possible. As much as possible, keep the same rules for all situations, activities, and children. Keeping rules consistent can help maintain a sense of normalcy and routine, such as sticking to the usual bedtime even while schools are closed. If you need to change a regular rule, like allowing more screen time so you can work from home, simply explain this change to children.

Some children may have follow-up questions about why the rules are changing. Provide honest and age-appropriate explanations. For example, “Usually we save screen-time for after lunch. This morning, I have a call with my work friends so you’ll get to watch PBS Kids while I’m on the computer.” (5)

Click here for information on Talking with Young Children about COVID-19.

Give directions that are KIDS-friendly. Even when giving directions, our words, tone of voice, and body language can convey love and compassion. We use the mnemonic Kind, Immediate, Direct, Simple (KIDS) to do this in developmentally appropriate ways.

Kind - Whether enforcing rules or reading a story, our goal is to convey love and kindness through tone of voice, facial expression, body language, and words. As adults, we know that the purpose of rules (and their enforcement) is to help children stay safe, learn, and succeed. We make this clear to children through what we say and how we say it.

Avoid - Sarcasm is confusing to young children, who tend to be naturally open and literal, and should therefore be avoided even when it’s clear to adults that we are joking.

Instead - Empathy is an effective tool when enforcing rules. For example, “I can see how much you want a third turn. I can’t change our rule because that would be unfair to your brother. I’m sorry that you have to wait because I can see how much you want to keep playing.”

Immediate - Young children have short attention spans. Therefore, feedback regarding behavior is time-sensitive and should be given while the event is still fresh in the child’s mind. However, children sometimes need some space to process a highly emotionally charged event. Allow this to happen when necessary, as a child who is emotionally aroused may need some time before being able to fully process your feedback.

Direct - Children are literal, so rules need to address behavior directly and precisely.

Avoid - Vagueness or ambiguous language such as “Maybe it’s a good idea to put those blocks away now.” 

Avoid - Asking a question when you aren’t prepared for a “No.” For example, “Could you come over and put your blocks away?” Because this instruction is framed as a question, it leaves children the option to respond, “No, I cannot put my blocks away right now.”

Instead - Use a gentle yet firm tone to give unambiguous directions, such as “You need to put the blocks away before you paint at your easel. We can do it together, if you’d like!”

Simple – Small children can only hold small pieces of information in their minds, and have smaller vocabularies when compared to adults. Few, clear, and simple words that are consistently enforced are more powerful than having many rules that may not make sense to children. (There is wisdom in the adage less is more.) Sometimes a nod in the direction you want a child to move, or an empathic smile as you point to the cleanup bin, can work as well as words.

Establishing routines

Establish simple and flexible routines. Routines are an important way to support children’s well-being, learning, and development (8). COVID-19 has disrupted many of our regular routines, but you may be able to set up new routines that match your new schedule at home. Some strategies for developing routines include:

• Keep routines simple. Children will feel successful and confident as they learn to complete routines independently.

• Develop routines that aren’t tied to a specific schedule. For example, a child’s dinner routine might involve picking up toys and then washing hands. This can stay the same even if your scheduled dinner time changes.

Create a schedule. Depending on children’s ages, use pictures or words to show each of the day’s activities. A visual schedule can be helpful for establishing and maintaining routines.

If your work or other obligations require a flexible schedule, that’s OK (7)! Just talk to children about what’s going to happen each day and answer any questions they may have. You can even invite children to help create the daily schedule to help them feel more in control. After reviewing the schedule each day, keep it hanging somewhere that it’s easy to see and refer back to (5).

Remember that schedules are distinct from routines. Schedules may change but routines are stable. Some strategies for creating schedules include:

• Build in plenty of time for uninterrupted play. Play is a key driver of young children’s learning and development. [See Let children play under Brain-building for more on this.] 

• Limit the number of transitions to only those that are necessary. Too many transitions can lead to power struggles, especially if children are not ready to stop. [See Build learning and fun into transitions under Brain-building for more on this.]

• Help children learn routines related to transitions, such as cleaning up toys or helping set the table for dinner. Make this fun by completing routines together or turning them into a game.

• Schedule time to enjoy being together as a family.

Let children know when a transition is coming. Giving a 5-minute warning is an easy way to help ease the transition between activities. A visual cue such as a timer can also be helpful, so that children can check on how much time remains.

If using a timer, it can be set when you give the 5-minute warning, or at the start of a timed activity. When it’s time to clean up or switch to something new, use simple words or phrases to let children know what’s coming next. This can also be a good time to reference the daily schedule, especially if it’s hanging somewhere visible (see Create a schedule, above).

References

1. Bodrova, E., & Leong, D.J. (2008, March). Developing self-regulation in Kindergarten: Can we keep all the crickets in the basket? Young Children, 63(2), 56-58.

2. Child Mind Institute. (2019). How to give kids effective instructions: The first step to harmony is teaching your child to listen and follow directions.

3. Christakis, E. (2016). The importance of being little: What preschoolers really need from grownups. New York, NY: Viking.

4. Copple, C., & Bredekamp, S. (2009). Developmentally appropriate practice in early childhood programs serving children from birth through age 8. Washington, DC: NAEYC. (See NAEYC’s 10 Effective DAP Teaching Strategies.)

5. Macmillan, C. (2020, March 25). 8 tips for working from home with kids during COVID-19: Yale experts share strategies for managing home life in a time of social distancing and self-quarantine. Yale Medicine.

6. Smith-Donald, R., Raver, C. C., Hayes, T., & Richardson, B. (2007). Preliminary construct and concurrent validity of the Preschool Self-regulation Assessment (PSRA) for field-based re- search. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 22(2), 173-187.

7. World Health Organization. (2020). Parenting in the time of COVID-19.

8. Zero to Three: Early Connections Last a Lifetime. (2010, February 20). Creating routines for love and learning.